no regrets

Haven’t been round much lately. Mainly because life sucks right about now. Well not all of it. And not all of the time. Just most of it. And some of the time.

This move contains a lot of ‘firsts’ for me and it’s bloody hard. Some days more than others. Hard enough at times for me for to go see a social worker last week.

It helped.
A little.

But at the end of the day it really is someone who is talking to you because that is there job to do so. Like the checkout chick I chat too. Or school staff. Or people on the phone as I make enquiries about different things. There is not one person who is a phone call away that I can call on to say “Hey, lets do coffee” and I’m struggling with that. It’s the isolation.

I’m the new girl, in a new relationship, in a new lifestyle, in a new town, in a new house, in a new state. But I’m still me and with all the new stuff, things are different. For the first time in my entire adult life I am financially dependent on another person. I hate that. I mean, I REALLY hate that. You have no idea how much it goes against who I am. I knew it was going to happen. I knew it would be hard for me. I never realised just how much. Now I do!

I’ve found a few online forums for defence members/spouses/family and the one thing that strikes me is the complaining. It’s not all complaining. But when your in a funk, reading about all the bad shit doesn’t do you any good. So I take a proactive role instead. I think “Ok, THIS would have helped me a alot, how can I make it so the next person doesn’t go through the same thing?” I’m looking into how that can be fixed. Not that I expect anything to come of it, but in the meantime the trying to solve a problem helps me keep busy and my thoughts away from the doom and gloom.

Besides trying to find others in my situation I’ve firmly entrenched myself into Zoe’s school. I’m helping out in class. I attended the first P&C meeting of the years and created a bit of a stir with one of my suggestions. I’m having regular meetings with the principal, who is bloody fantastic, and we already have a few things underway to improve the school. Like most schools, the P&C is sadly lacking parental involvement and we are going to try and change that along with maximising returns for the time and effort that is put in by just a few people. I’m in the process of getting the P&C endorsed as a deductible gift recipient so that all donations made would then be tax deductible for the donor, it also means we would be eligible for a few more grants. I’m also in the process of doing up a dummy website to show the principal just how much more dynamic a wordpress run site can be. Things like the newsletter could go up each fortnight effortlessly. Each grade could have their own page. Prospective parents can see what is happening ,when it is happening. It’s looking not too bad so far! Again, it’s keeping me busy.

I’ve also rung and volunteered to help out with the DCO newsletter. Another way of meeting people, and also something that will offer me practical experience that I can put on my resume for future job applications. A win-win situation really. Especially for those like myself who desperately need to be kept in the loop about defence stuff and get togethers and the like…I hope to bring something to it anyway. I think giving back is important. DCO have helped me out immensely, so it’s the least I can do isn’t it?

Now we come to the root of all my evils at the moment. No job. I’m at the point where I don’t care what I do, as long as I get paid to do it. I have an interview this arvo for a mushroom picking job. Sounds disgustingly like I’m selling out, or myself short, but apparently they are offering a course in horticulture, which sounds interesting. Any job that offers a qualification as part of it sounds good to me. I will keep looking at improving my chances through my own educational paths for those jobs that I do want, but in the meantime perhaps I’ll do this, and find I really like it! For someone who has come from a work at night and indoors, doing something outside and during the day would prove interesting I think. Would also help with the extra weight I seem to have accumulated whilst sitting around feeling damn sorry for myself. Who knows, it may open up a career path that I never even considered before…

So there we have it ladies and gentleman. My life at the moment. Bit like a garden that a cat shits in all the time. Looks pretty on the outside but as you get closer it smells a bit and if you scratch just below the surface you’ll see a bunch of unwanted shit that right now just makes you screw your nose up but in a few months time will have broken down and been used for the betterment of that garden…

Oh and before you ask, I am ok. I don’t think I’ve made the wrong decision. I will survive. And I will triumph.

Thanks for listening…love to you all.
Cheers, Kelly

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Published Tuesday Mar 4, 08 . Filed under: dammit!, how I see it, i just don't get it.., life, me stuff, thoughts, why? why? why?