autoschediastic asseverations

Lots going on lately, hence the absence. Again. Seems to be the story of my life lately. That word AGAIN is popping up a bit of late. All in my mind of course. But it’s still there. So anyway I’m just going to write and get it all out there…hopefully the expelling of the words from my mind will help me to just deal with it in some way…

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I went to the dentist. I haven’t been in a long time. Years. We’ll leave the exact time it’s been at that. Whether it’s 5 or 15 doesn’t really matter does it? I hate them. Detest them. Associate them with pain, operations yadda yadda yadda. Nothing unusual coming from a girl who grew up with the orthodontic generation. But I went. My palms were sweaty. I peed about 4 times in an hour before and STILL had to pee just prior to going in. It’s a very physical thing fear. Now the sky didn’t come crashing down, and to be fair it wasn’t quite as bad as I remember, but it did offer me some recollections as to my reason for being too damn scared to go. And that was just getting them cleaned. Will have to get pissed before I head off in the morning for my next appointment I think…
I am proud of myself for simply going though. For more reasons than just facing my own fears. But thats a whole other post…

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I’ve finally come to the painful realisation too that some things will NEVER change. This is a cryptic one but thats all your getting. Lots of changes in my life over the past 12 months and yet I’m still dealing with some of the same issues. Mainly because for all the changes, there are some things you can’t change. You can’t control other people, or situations or even your own reaction sometimes. Memories make up a huge part of who we are, so naturally when confronted with something you’ve experienced before, your going to react the same way thanks to those memories. The trick is in telling yourself that this IS different, realise that you are not the same person as you were then, that the people who love you aren’t necessarily changing at the same rate or even in the same way you are so to expect something different sometimes is just a little unfair and unrealistic. All in all, I’ll get over it. I always do.

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This whole moving thing is getting closer. Forms have been filled in. Defacto status has been recognised. School has all but been chosen. Removal has been requested. Nearly at the point where we can pick a house. It’s all good. But for one thing. I’m handing my independance over on a silver platter to Tony. Which again is good. But fuckin hard to do. I’m extremely, almost obsessively, independant. So becoming totally financially dependant on Tony once we arrive and I’m not working initially is a big deal for me. Huge. Can’t get much bigger. I know that people do this everyday. I know that he truly does appreciate just what it is I’m doing. And for that I love him. But this is a first for me….how am I going to go? Only time will tell I guess…and I have no doubts that Tony will be totally understanding when I get all weird on him at times..and I’m sure I will!

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We’ve finally come to realise why we work so well together as a couple. It’s dawned on us recently that while we are two completely different people in so many ways, we quite simply understand each other. We have common issues with life. We both experienced many similar things growing up. All those memories that shape who we are and how we interact in the world whilst happening in totally different situations and circumstances, evoked the same emotions and feelings. It’s kind of weird actually to have a conversation and honestly be able to say that “I know how you feel” and to hear it from another person and instinctively know that they truly do. It’s not something I’ve ever had so completely with anyone before. Some people understand some of you. Others get the rest of it. To have ONE person know you better than you know yourself sometimes because they’ve been there is a little scary.

Don’t get me wrong, it’s all good. Just a little unnerving at times that’s all. Whilst we still have our differences, and lord knows we have many, at the end of the day none of it matters. Our differences are evolving with us. We aren’t having the same fights over and over again. They are changing as we grow together. And i’ll be honest, lately there has been many. Probably part of the reason I haven’t posted or even read much lately. I’m emotionally drained, and so is Tony. We are forcing the other to confront and deal with shit that has been part of us for so long that we sometimes forget where it came from. A comment, a tone of voice, a simple little laugh. All these things have been the catalyst for some of the most emotionally charged conversations I’ve ever had in my life. They’ve triggered memories of emotions that have then been dealt with in the safe haven that is our love for one another. It’s hard. Really hard to sit and think about WHY something bothers you so much, delve so far into your psyche that you don’t recognise the person looking back at you…but we’re doing it. Of course we look at all the good stuff too….what is it that makes us so happy when we are together. It means that when things are hard, we can realise that there are many more positives than negatives…and that we can work through it all.

Of course all those differences do help too. Tony’s a pessimist. I’m an optimist. He’s the saver. I’m the spender. He’s structured. I’m spontaneous. Between the two of us we are finding the perfect middle ground, teaching each other a different way of looking at things…of living life and realising that just because we’ve always done it that way, doesn’t mean it won’t work another way.

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Holy crap i’ve just written war and peace and haven’t even scratched the surface of whats been happening lately…maybe tomorrow.
Till then, take care and know that I miss you all.

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