autoschediastic asseverations

Originally posted 25th Nov 2006, I’m not sure why I’m reposting it, but I am.

kissing a memory,
too old to remember,
pain still so fresh, but
I will not surrender
who built the walls,
was it me, was it you?
too great to bring down,
if only you knew
my silence betrays,
just how lost I feel,
need to find me again,
need to be real
the taste of tomorrow,
so inviting and sweet,
with yesterday gone,
the worlds at my feet
what will I do with it?
can’t let myself down
maybe the numbness
will finally drown
but hope springs eternal
I can still see the sun
if only it shone
then i’d be done

Wow.

What a week.

I have no idea where to start!

First things first I guess though, just a little housekeeping. Remember my ‘to do list‘ for 2010? Well I can now cross one of them off! Feels good let me tell ya. See I entered some photos in a competition on that same site that I won the third prize on a little while ago. We had to upload our 5 best Australia Day photos and 30 would be chosen to be published in a coffee table book that can be purchased through the site. And they chose one of my photos to be included. So theoretically seeing as how one of my photos will appear in something that will be sold, one could say that I’ve sold one of my photo’s right? I don’t want to hear it if you don’t agree! This is my blog, it was my list and I say it means I can cross it off…so there!

On top of all that, I’ve now officially commenced my university studies. And I’m loving it! I’ve enrolled in the Diploma in Town Planning at the University of New England and this semester am studying two introductory units. It’s overwhelming let me tell you! Reading and learning at a tertiary level isn’t something I’ve done for a bloody long time. This particular course is only offered through distance education and the thing that has blown me away is the difference between the distance ed of old and the distance ed of today. Once upon a time they would send out all the material, readings and assignments at the start of the semester and basically say GO FOR IT! Then leave you to it. You had to decide for yourself in what order to study, how much to read each week, when to begin assignments etc etc. Sometimes if you were lucky you could get a study group happening of others in your local area. Now, the online system provides guidance on what you should be covering each week, contact with all other students in your unit, discussion boards, chat rooms, access to the lecturer, podcasts of lectures held during the week (some subjects only) and more support and resources than you could ever possibly need. There are fact sheets and tutorials on active reading, essay writing, subject specific writing, where to find more information, how to access the library, referencing guides that actually make sense!

Yet despite all the changes that technological advances have bought, I find I simply can’t ‘learn’ online. I have to print it out, I have to have a book or sheet of paper in my hand to read that I can highlight, or make notes on. I need a bit of paper beside me with a pen to write thoughts down as they occur to me, or to summarise in my own words what I’ve just read. And I wonder if others in my situation are the same! By my situation I mean those that didn’t grow up with computers as part of every day life, particularly when it came to education. I’d be willing to bet that the majority of those of us studying this course are mature age students. I’d also be willing to bet that most of them are finding themselves reverting to habits formed in their own secondary education years! Those that have just come straight out of high school are probably using word processors as their notepads, can take in information that they read from a computer screen and retain it, feel uncomfortable with books and think that pencil case is sooooo 1990!

I’ve learned a lot this week already. And I don’t necessarily mean the subject matter. I’ve learned that I do have the time. I’ve learned that I probably should have done something like this a long time ago. I’ve learned that I am not only capable of doing this, but there is no reason I shouldn’t kick it’s ass.

So there you go.
My week.
Like I said before.

Wow.

I seem to be having random thoughts lately, the kind of thoughts that once upon a time would have been a full blog post by the end of the day. I figured why let them go to waste? Why not put them all here in one post? Who knows, maybe they may in fact inspire me to get off my little tushie and do some REAL blogging….

When did the opposition party in our parliamentary system decide that it was their job to simply OPPOSE everything the currently elected party would like to do. I thought, and maybe I’m a little naive here, that the opposition was also made up of elected representatives, and therefore it was their role to 1) Speak for their electorate, and 2) Make decisions and vote based upon what is best for the people in not only their own electorate, but for all Australians. Shouldn’t the ‘opposition’ part of the name really only be a small part of it? A balance and check system is how I envisage it I guess. If the government is looking at a policy or decision that really isn’t in the best interests of the country and it’s people, then the opposition uses it’s power and voice to let them know, otherwise we’d be simply living in a dictatorship. Wouldn’t it be great to see more agreement between the major parties, simply because it’s what is right and best? Sometimes the different party lines or policies will conflict and, I understand that. I also understand that these differences are needed in order to give us voters a choice. But for crying out loud, I am sick of hearing the opposition OPPOSING something, just for the sake of opposing without any evidence that it is wrong, or not what the people want.

I simply do not understand graffiti. I don’t understand why people do it, I don’t even understand what half of it is supposed to say! I see a lot of it at work, and it honestly reminds me of dogs pissing on a tree to mark their territory..unfortunately I see a lot of other behavior in some of today’s youth that appears to be animal like, and it scares the hell out of me. The worst part? They are breeding. And they are breeding a whole new generation that is literally growing up watching their parents partake in so much antisocial behavior that the more I think about it, the more I think the dog analogy is actually pretty damn accurate. I can only hope that this new generation takes a look at their own parents and think “WTF?” and strive for something better for themselves and their own children.

What tattoo should I get for my second one?! I’ve been thinking about this a bit lately, and have a few ideas. There are couple of things that are imperative I think. Firstly, it has to be unique. If I’m going to permanently mark my body, then one of a kind is the way to go. After all, I’m one of a kind right?! Don’t mind taking a design and altering it – even if it is just colors. Secondly, it has to mean something to me, I don’t want a pretty picture just for the sake of having a pretty picture. I figure that tattoos are like personal statements, they should say something about the person they are on. Like my first one. It’s bammbamm from The Flintsones. It shows that no matter how old I get, there is always a part of me that will never grow up, that is innocent and childlike, and ever the optimist.
I really think it should incorporate Zoe’s name, which will obviously reflect my role as a mother, but also the importance of that role to me. Being a mum was the only thing I always wanted. It would also be a reflection of my greatest achievement. If I do nothing else with my life, I will have made the world a better place simply by bringing this angel into it…although I am under no illusions that it was a conscious choice or decision on my part. She chose me for whatever reason, and I can only hope that I don’t disappoint her. So just her name isn’t enough I think. I’m kinda tending towards something symbolic….sun and moon, yin yan..something to represent balance, or completeness, maybe circle of life. I dunno! What do you guys think?

I did have more, but I seem to have used up my energy in writing a little more than just a couple of random thoughts….almost like a proper post huh?! Who would have thought!

Seems that one thing I’ve always needed is mental and intellectual stimulation. I get bored easily once I’ve mastered a job and find myself looking for more. As much as I love my job at the moment, and still have plenty to learn, I know that in another 5 or 6 years it won’t be enough, and neither will the pay! Zoe is gifted. That means further and extended education. That means expensive. She deserves the best and I’m determined to give her that, along with an example to follow. The reason for these two seemingly unrelated topics is something that I’ve recently embarked upon.

After much researching, and talking, and thinking, and questioning, and deciding, and applying, I accepted an offer from the University of New England to enrol in their Diploma in Town Planning as an external student.

Sounds pretty simple really doesn’t it? Except for the fact that I’m a full time working single mother.

But wait, there’s more. AFTER I’ve done the Diploma – which by the way will take 2 years of around 20 hours per week study – then I’ll enrol in the Bachelor of Urban and Regional Planning. So I’m going to get myself a BURP! Amongst all this, somewhere between completing the diploma and the bachelor, I hope to gain a professional traineeship at work. Which means a shift from the Parks Department and into the Planning Department. And a pay cut for 12 months. Only to be rewarded with a career path that will see me double my current income in around 8 years. Which is perfect timing really as Zoe will be in the latter stages of her secondary education and beginning to look at tertiary level study. You know, the expensive kind!

To be honest, my initial reaction after accepting the offer was one of horror. I suddenly thought…what the fuck have I done! I don’t seem to have the time and energy for everything I’d like to do now. How on earth am I going to manage study, parenting and still do my job to the best of my ability with enthusiasm and the energy I give it now. Then I reminded myself that I’d thought this through, that I did have the skills, support network and time necessary, especially considering my motivation.

She’s in the next room on her computer doing anything she can to keep her own brilliant mind occupied in whatever way she can. I only hope that in some small way I can provide for her not only the education and life she deserves, but also maybe just a little inspiration to do whatever she sets her mind to, no matter the obstacles she feels she’s facing.

Well it’s been an interesting start to the year, in some ways things haven’t really changed much, and in others it’s already so different.

I’m finding that on a personal level I’m in a better place than I’ve ever been before. Mistakes I used to make aren’t being made anymore. I’m more accepting of my lot in life and no longer wish to be something other than I am. I’m ok just as I am, and if people don’t like that then stiff shit to them! I’ve spent a lot of my life trying to be what others wanted or needed, or what I THOUGHT they wanted or needed. Not any more. Things shouldn’t have to be so hard, and if something is meant to be, then it won’t be so difficult. I’m not saying that things aren’t worth fighting for, or that I shouldn’t try. It’s just that I seem to have this knack for wanting things that are both unattainable and too much hard work. I don’t want to spend so much energy on things that ultimately bring me nothing but heartache and impact negatively on my mental health. I’d much prefer to spend it on positive things.

I currently have a few relationships in play that are just..well….I guess unusual. They don’t conform to what ‘normal’ relationships usually do. Now by relationships I don’t mean the romantic kind. I mean any – friendships, aquaintances, and I guess a few that have potential to be more. Quite frankly, some of them are a little confusing! But I’m not going to sit and analyse, and think too much about them. I’m going with the flow. If it feels good, do it. It used to be my motto, and at times it’s gotten me into trouble, but hopefully with everything I’ve learned over the last 18 months or so, this time round it’s only going to help make me happier.

If someone does/says/thinks something that makes me feel good..then I’m happy to spend time on that person. If something they do/say/think makes me feel bad, then they can just go away till they decide that perhaps I deserve to be treated a little better. Pretty simple really isn’t it?

On the other hand, if something I do/say/think makes me feel good, then unlike in the past I need to stop and think about whether it will still make me feel good in the future. Lets face it, we’ve all done things that make us feel great at the time, but in the long run the consequences or impact on both ourselves and others make us feel like shit…kind of like a hangover. Drinking feels great at the time, but doesn’t the head hurt in the morning?! And of course sometimes we do and say things that hurt others while drunk. See what I’m saying? Good…can you explain it to me because right now I think I’ve confused myself!

Long story short I guess is this: This is MY year..and I’m going to live it for me by doing what makes me feel good – not just today, but will make me feel good tomorrow. And if you want to be in my life? You maybe just want to think about whether you are helping me feel good or not.

Zoe has been a typical 9 year old of late, and nothing she has, or gets, is good enough. She wants more, or something different, or what her friends have. For those that know Zoe, this is quite a strange attitude…but considering her age, I guess it’s not! Having said that, it doesn’t mean I have to like it, and part of my job as a parent is to try and teach her gratitude and a little empathy for those let fortunate.

So with that in mind, and one of the items on my 2010 to do list, I did something I never do, and hit a web banner ad today!

Click here for details. For those of you who live in Australia I particularly urge you to click through and sign up. No more excuses about charity beginning at home….just click and it will make sense.

I hope to achieve several things with this little exercise…will keep you posted on all outcomes in the future. In the meantime, I urge to you do your little bit and help make a difference too.

Well so far I’m not doing so good with any of the items on my ‘to do list’.

Perhaps I should have made one of them “GET MOTIVATED”

In an attempt to partially work towards the whole “be a better blogger” one, I’m here writing a post. Pretty pathetic one, but oh well!

That there is a photo of a storm that was off in the distance when I was down at Tashy’s. Took a bunch of long exposure shots in an attempt to get lightening. It kinda worked! Gave me a taste for it, and I learned a little too so hopefully I’ll get some better ones in the future.

Hope life is treating you well.

So apparently it’s a new year. I’m certainly not the making resolutions kinda gal, but thought I’d start something new. I’ve done several to do lists over the last few months and I really liked them for various reasons. I figured it would be a good way to start off 2010.

This is a list with a difference though. It isn’t one that helps me get through the day, or even the week. The deadline is 31 Dec 2010. So these are all things I want to do this year.

I may include them in a widget over in one of the sidebars and cross them off as they are done. I may add to this list as the year goes on but I will NOT take anything off it.

*Design and code at least one wordpress theme with GIMP from scratch

*Get another tattoo

*Quit smoking for once and for all

*Be over half way to being able to buy a brand new car with cash

*Make a positive difference in a complete strangers life

*Host a dinner party with at least 4 guests

*Have an artistic nude portrait taken of myself

*Become a better photographer and sell something

*Take up a sport/activity/hobby with Zoe

*Be a better blogger

*Learn at least one new skill

*Tone up and lose the ‘extra skin’ around my midsection

You know I thought I had more than this earlier when I was writing it in my head, but I think that I need to be realistic and set myself achievable tasks so I’m going to leave it at that for now.

Feel free to write your own list. If you do, please be sure to let me know. Who knows, if there are enough of us I may devote a page to it and get a webring/blogroll happening for it…

Happy new year to all. May 2010 be everything you wish and need it to be.

Much luv,
Kell